


捨てる (To throw away)

by Mary_the_gardener



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: It's not angsty I promise, M/M, PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, Yuzu is a self sacrificing idiot, ksas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21876880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_the_gardener/pseuds/Mary_the_gardener
Summary: -I felt like I could just throw away all of my happiness, I intended to throw away all of my happiness just for the sake of defending this Olympic title-Specifically, what did you throw away? The lutz, the loop, was it something like that?
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	捨てる (To throw away)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lujack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lujack/gifts).



> Hello! So I was doing some research for other projects and stumbled upon this Shoma & Yuzu interview from the Olympics and it gave me a nice idea, I hope you all like it!
> 
> Especially Lujack, this is for you, merry Christmas!

"Was it about giving up the lutz, or the loop, something like that?" They asked.

Pfff. What a stupid question. That interview was four days ago already, but Yuzuru is still thinking about it. Did they even listen to him? But no, of course they did, and of course they knew. Probably, they were just trying to bring him back on safer grounds. And obviously Yuzuru didn't listen.  
  
How did they expect him to listen? It's already big enough of an accomplishment that he kept all his features under control. How the heck did he even end up talking about it in a live interview? Couldn't he have said something like "Oh look, maybe I threw away my possibility to ever skate again!" Or something else sport related? But no, of course his brain had to immediately run there.  
  
Because even if he said that he shred all of his feelings until it remained only a tight kernel of concentration, his thoughts never truly stopped wandering toward one particular thing.  
  
Or well, many things. But just one person.  
  
He throws a look toward his open luggage, thinking about what's in one of the pockets.

  
  
  
_"Uh, thanks..." Yuzuru says dubiously, looking at the flat beaded bracelet in his hands, "I never wear green though" he blurts out then, not really knowing why he said that. Or rather, he knows exactly why, but did he really have do speak it out loud? He wishes he could take it back, erase the mortified look on Javier's face.  
  
But that look is gone after a second, replaced by one of Javier's bright smiles "Well, maybe you can start now, or you just paint it a different colour!" He tries to joke, but Yuzuru can hear the strain in his voice.  
  
"Thank you anyway Javi" He tries to say, with feelings of guilt churning in his stomach, "It's really pretty" he adds.  
  
"Like someone I know..." Is Javier's ready answer, and Yuzuru wants to slap himself because he should have foreseen it, he should have avoided it. Now he can only awkwardly laugh it away and duck his head. "Ok, I really need to go change or Brian kill me when he sees me late" He tries, desperate to get out of this uncomfortable situation. "But thank you, really" He says again, bowing a little to Javier and then walking to his bench, knowing that if he had stayed a moment longer Javier would have pulled him into a hug. And he can't allow that. He can't.  
  
Because he fears he would just crumble._  
_  
While he sits on the bench, putting on his training clothes, he can't help but go over what he just said, and how Javier looked. He knows he hurt him. But he had no other choice. Just accepting it would have been even worse. He's not sure Javier understand the problem does not lie with the colour of the beads, but that was the best he could come up with at the moment.  
  
Some part of him wish he didn't have to reject him like that. But he shut it up tightly._

  
That was... two, three years ago? Yuzuru isn't sure now. It gets mixed with the other thousands times Javier has hugged him, invited him out, said something sweet and meaningful. And each time what did Yuzuru do? Said he was busy, laughed it away.  
  
And now he's alone in his hotel room, with a new shining gold medal on the bedside table and a bracelet he never wore in the pocket of his luggage.  
  
(Never wore _in public._ )

And Javier? Javier is on the other side of the globe already, doing press and celebrating with his family and.. and his new lovely girlfriend. And the gala is the only thing he's got left.

Yuzuru gets up, walks to the luggage and opens the zip to one particular pocket, taking out a little, worn out paper bag, he shakes it upside down, letting the little item inside it slip into his hand and then walks back to the bed. Ten minutes later he is drifting to sleep, the pillow under his head slightly damp and his fingers clutching a small green bracelet to his chest.

When he wakes up the next morning, the pretty beads are laying on the mattress not far from his head, blinking at him, and in his still half asleep state he doesn't even think and just slips them around his wrist, completely forgetting about it after a few minutes.

The afternoon gala practice starts on a good note, Ondrej suggesting they practice lifts a bit, knowing very well by now that Yuzuru will ask him for one at the end of the group exhibition. And Yuzuru is honestly having a lot of fun, he likes being held up high, to see all the other skaters from above. But from up there he also notices a small glimpse of yellow and red on a white jacket, and his mood drops back down along with his body. He doesn't really feel in the right disposition to joke with his spanish team-mate and pretend everything is ok. He feels too conflicted for it: part of him just wants to avoid him, leave without even exchanging one single word in fear it would be just too hard, too painful, being once again under Javier's attention, his light and brightness, seeing what he is about to lose forever. But another part just wants to bask into it, savour it all, all the hugs, the laugh, the warm touches Javier never stopped bestowing on him, take it all and tuck it safely into a corner, to be kept forever as the dearest memory in his heart.  
  
But it's not like Javier is giving him any option though, instantly taking him into a hug as soon as he spots him and never leaving his side after that unless the group choreography requires it.  
  
After a while though, Yuzuru notices something different, like Javier is not really present anymore. He's slow to react to Misha's jokes and sometimes just gets lost wandering around on the ice by himself. Which is not really typical of his personality. Yuzuru is not sure it's the best thing for himself, but he just can't resist going after him to see what's wrong.

He pulls a couple of strong strokes and reaches him in a corner of the rink. "Hey, is everything ok?" He ask, skidding to a stop right in front of him.

Javier looks up at his face, his expression a bit puzzled, and doesn't answer straight away, studying Yuzuru's face for a bit, and he tries not to squirm under his warm doe eyes.

Then, suddenly, Javier's gaze drops lower, "I didn't know you kept it." he says finally, and Yuzuru doesn't understand, until he follows Javier's gaze and spots the flat beads among his other usual amulets. An involuntary gasp leaves his lips before he can recover, because he totally forgot about the little item and he is probably as surprised as Javier. But he's also surprised that Javier still recognizes it, and acknowledged it.

It all makes some little bud of hope blossom deep down into his stomach, and it makes him feel like maybe, for once, he can be true to his feelings. "It's always with me." He confesses, looking up and into Javier's eyes, and he witnesses how something timidly emerges in there, a small sparkle lighting up his irises.

Javier looks back down, taking his wrist in one hand and delicately tracing the green beads with his thumb, "Why?" he asks, without lifting his gaze. It's barely a whisper, so tentative and fragile that Yuzuru's heart clenches with guilt, and he knows, just knows, that he has to be completely honest if he wants to turn this situation into his last chance.

He takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes, for a second feeling too ashamed of how he behaved in the past to say this looking directly ad Javier's face. But he opens them right after, realizing that he has to put everything on the line, he can't afford being ashamed.

"Because, I couldn't keep you there" He says, looking right into Javier's eyes. "Because I wanted you, but I thought I couldn't." He adds, his heart pounding loud.

Javier completely deflates, sagging onto him and hiding his face in the crook of his neck and Yuzuru puts one arm around him, holding him close like Javier did with him just a few days ago. "I'm sorry" He whispers quietly into Javier's hair.

Javier sighs, hugs him tightly before moving back, and puts both his hands on Yuzuru's shoulders, "Will you come to my room later?" he asks, speaking lowly, and there is a bright light shining into is eyes, a light Yuzuru has not seen in a long time. He nods vigorously, his face breaking into the biggest smile.

It's February, there's been various snow storms in the past days, and they're in a closed rink, but Yuzuru is pretty sure that outside the clouds just parted and warm, bright sun-rays came through, wrapping everything into a golden glow. And if it's not, if the blue sky is still hidden behind gray clouds and rain, it doesn't really matter, because him and Javier are glowing bright enough to light up the whole of Gangneung.


End file.
